children

Is My Divorce Going to Destroy My Children?

Mario Zappia October 23, 2017 Courtroom attire children, divorce

Is My Divorce Going to Destroy My Children?

When considering the idea of pursuing a divorce, certainly the question of how it will affect the children arises. Is the divorce going to destroy the children? In a word, no. But, that is not to say that divorce does not provide an impact to children at any age.

One perspective is that parents of infants or young toddlers may have an advantage over older children because the children are too young to understand a change is happening. In reality, babies require a different set of considerations when it comes to divorce. For instance, more frequent, short visits are better for parenting time with an infant or young toddler. Overnight visits may be more of a hindrance than beneficial. Not to mention, as soon as object permanence has developed, babies notice when mom or dad is not around. And while they may notice something has changed, they lack the ability to verbalize that it’s bothering them.

For parents of school aged children, divorce can have a negative impact on behavior at both home and school. School is frequently the environment where children display the distress that comes with divorce. These children typically have a sense that they have no control in the situation that their family is going through. They often display this lack of control by acting out in aggression, regression, withdraw, and defiance. In addition, these kids have the mental wherewithal to understand that one or both of their parents have made the choice to no longer live together as a family. That can leave kids with fears of abandonment and self blame.

What can you do? As with most scenarios, the best way to soften the blow of divorce at any age is to be sensitive to your child and their needs. They need security, they need continuity, they need routine, and they need their parents to be kind to each other in their presence.

Father’s Day

Mario Zappia June 18, 2017 Courtroom attire children, divorce, father

Father’s Day is a day meant for celebration. A depiction might include Mom, Dad, the kids, maybe grandparents. Dad is manning the grill, beaming with pride over his newly acquired “World’s Best Dad” t-shirt. The family gathers over their meal, lavishing cards and hugs upon Dad. It’s idyllic.

But it’s not always reality.

Divorce, custody, death, distance, even jail. Whether you’re the Father separated from his children, or you’re away from your own Father on Father’s Day, the absence can be emotionally heavy.

If you are without your children on Father’s Day:

Whatever the reason, absence does not erase your part in creating your perfect little humans. Nor does that fact make the distance between you easier. The best thing you can do when you’re aching to embrace your children, is to take care of yourself. We have all heard the spiel from flight attendants before a flight, reminding us to be sure to fasten our own oxygen masks before attempting to help anyone else with theirs. There will come a time when you are reunited with your children, and you will want to be at your best for them.

Spend your day waking up late, reading a book, taking a long shower, hit the gym, get a massage. Take care of yourself.

If you are without your Father on Father’s Day:

If you have your own children, that can certainly dull the sting of being without your Father on Father’s Day. Even still, it can be hard not to feel a sense of loss. If possible, give Dad a call. Though a phone call can’t make up for a lack of in-person affection, the gesture helps. Dad knows you’re thinking about him.

What about those who never had a Father:

Its natural to still feel a loss from a lack of relationship, but this is another instance where self-care is imperative. Their lack of involvement does not reflect your worth. And if you have your own children now, it certainly does not affect your ability as a Father. Happy Father’s day to you.

Home Alone

Mario Zappia June 3, 2017 Courtroom attire children, indiana, parenting

A question we hear a lot is, “At what age is it legally appropriate to leave my child home alone?” The short answer is that in Indiana, legally, there is no magic number. Leaving children home alone should be based on a variety of factors, including age, but certainly not limited to.

Instead of choosing an arbitrary age to decide if your child is old enough to stay home alone, there are some things to consider:

Do they feel ready to stay home alone?

First and foremost, if your child is not confident in their own ability to be alone, it is not appropriate for them to be alone. Regardless of the age the child’s siblings may have been left alone, each child develops at his or her own pace.

Is your child aware of what to do in an emergency?

Accidents happen, even in well prepared homes. Does your child know his or her address? Do they know the protocol on what to do if there is a fire? Do they have a nearby adult who they can go to should they need help?

Do they know how to reach you?

Does the child have access to a phone, and know how to reach you on yours? Does the child know who you’re with and when you’ll be back?

and finally,

Is the child likely to follow the rules you’ve laid out?

If your child is unlikely to follow rules when you’re around, leaving them alone is certainly not going to make them fall in line. You can lay out as many safety measures as you want and go over countless role playing scenarios to prepare them, the bottom line is, if your child has trouble following instructions or orders while you’re with them, you cannot expect them to behave on their own.

If you and your child have discussed the prospect of being home alone and you’ve both decided the child is ready, you’re now free to formulate a safety plan and lay out the ground rules. And remember, just as readiness to stay home alone varies, the rule book should be customized for each child.

Co-Parenting

Mario Zappia April 12, 2017 Courtroom attire children, co-parenting, coparenting, custody, divorce

The process of divorce can be arduous, not only for the couple deciding to end their relationship, but also for any children involved. The stakes are high, when it comes to custody. A good co-parenting relationship is optimal for the children’s well-being.

It is important to recognize that you still form a family unit. Though your romantic relationship may have fizzled, remember that you are building a new relationship. This reinvention should be grounded with respect, patience, empathy, and open communication. Your former spouse may do things a little differently than you do, but always being respectful to them will give your children the consistency they deserve.

children

Is My Divorce Going to Destroy My Children?

Father’s Day

Home Alone

Co-Parenting

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